#love getting absolutely obsessed with a piece of media in a mentally ill way to escape from my problems <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[edwardbonnets]

rook: *obvious flirting* emmrich: 😲😲😲🤯🤯🤯😳😳😳??????????

bonus:

[theladyrebecca2]

Struggling with your mental health does not make you a monster.

I’m known you for a long time now, and I know you’re a good person. You’re sweet and you’re passionate and you’re absolutely frickin hilarious. I love you a whole damn lot.

You’ve recently gained a new hyperfocus, and found it hard to balance that with maintaining some of your friendships. Is this a monstrous thing to do? Absolutely not.

The fact that you’re A) aware of your mental health struggles in the first place, and B) make efforts to combat your symptoms and balance your time for the most important people in your life (in particular your child) means a great deal.

Over the last two months you’ve sent me random ST/Byler edits and memes, knowing I will appreciate them immensely, all the while being deep within your own hyperfixation. The level of gratitude and appreciation I have for when you do that? Off the bloody charts, mate.

Whether it’s a half an hour catch up every few weeks, or just a few minutes of mutual giggling over something random, the fact is you take the time to check in with me and share some laughs, even though your brain is deep in the throes of your own hyperfixation.

And I try to do the same for you too (arguably I’m even worse at this.)

As a fellow ND, I understand that even taking those few minutes out of your day can feel like a great effort some days. And I know it’s got absolutely nothing to do with me or our friendship. It’s how your brain works! Mine too! *high fives whilst mutually grumbling because yes this can be debilitating and difficult*

And look, if things are getting really out of control, there are ways to try and combat a hyperfixation. Sometimes yeah, some work needs to be done. But that does not mean you’re at fault. There’s never negative intent involved. A breakdown of a friendship or a forgotten responsibility is almost always a complete accident.

Which brings me to another important point: you’re only ever half of a relationship. The other party has their own responsibility to be patient and understanding, especially if they’re already aware that you have ADHD.

The symptoms of my mental illness may cause me to behave in a way that, sometimes, negatively impacts others. That’s part of the gig. But I’m surrounded by a patient and understanding support circle (you included), so there’s harmony 95% of the time, which is more than I ever thought possible as an undiagnosed young AuDHD teen.

Idk if these are helpful but I’ve looked at the top two before apparently because the links were grey lol:

Whilst it’s important not to let non-reality get in the way of anything truly important, it’s just as vital for your support circle to educate themselves on this and understand it better. It’s no picnic. It’s a real thing. And most of the time, it’s fun and light-hearted and something you should allow yourself to be passionate about. You’re allowed to take time to yourself for however long you need. You’re allowed to make the decision to interact with someone once a week instead of once a day.

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.

If a person cannot handle this and creates a lot of negativity over the way your brain functions, despite actual effort and apology being made, that’s on them.

My time online is enriched by having your friendship in my life, and I know you’ll have several other friends who can say the same. My advice is to take some time for yourself and your family, and stay offline for a week or two. I promise you this will pass. I promise you you’re seen and loved and appreciated.

And here’s to the next mutual hyperfixation we find in another year or two, RIP everything else (/hj) 🥂

|| I think it would be best if nobody wanted to be friends with me.

Not because of you. Because of me.

I'm mentally ill - I usually tell people I have ADHD and that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, too (it's obvious if you poke around on this blog). I'm struggling with depression and anxiety (both caused by ADHD).

I am hilariously unstable. I survive on medication and meditation techniques.

So on Friday I learned from someone again that I am a horrible person and a shit friend. That I don't worth the trouble to keep in touch with.

I don't deserve anyone because everyone deserves better than me.

I am genuinely sorry that I am this fucked up. I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm sorry I enjoy things that seem weird to others.

I'm sorry I'm a monster.

I've lost all motivation to do and enjoy anything.

And it isn't your fault, it's mine.

Maybe it'd be better for everyone if I just disappeared.

[archived-and-moving]

Well so... did you like Arcane? Favorite character, moment, etc? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Anon. Oh sweet anon I'm so very sorry you asked this (no im not >:))

Anyway, I loved Arcane. I'd just kind of...decided not to watch it for a few months now, so I missed a lot of the hype when it first came out. (Which, I'm pretty sure will be around 11-ish months while writing this. So uhm. It's been a little bit.) I'm not quite sure why, it's just kind of hard for my brain sometimes, even when my friends really like a piece of media and recommend it to me.

I was actually going on a quick trip, and needed entertainment, so I frantically texted one of my closest friends and boom!!! She recommended I watched Arcane! So finally a downloaded the fourth episode (blaming my phone's funky storage on this one) and watched Happy Progress Day in a good bit of confusion before going back and watching the first three when I got home.

So! Some thoughts: (Spoilers for anyone who's thinking about watching Arcane. It's really good and I truly recommend it, but you will be seriously spoiled if you read any further. You've been warned.)

Favorite Character: Oh!! That's so very hard because I don't think there's a character's writing that I specifically dislike! I enjoy how each and every character is so incredibly interwoven into the plot. However, I think I'm going to have to narrow it down to 3.

First is: Jinx!

Everyone and their mother I feel like has made art about Jinx, and also talked about her, from what little I've seen of the fandom. But goddamn does she deserve it.

She's so incredibly fucked up, but the narrative really makes you understand her actions and why they happen. It almost makes you root for her in a way. The way that her backstory is set up, from start to end is simply incredible.

Each and every path that she faces is another nail in the coffin for what she used to be. Her narrative arc is one of corruption, and her struggle with mental illness is one that is so compelling that whenever the show switches to her POV, I can't help but fist pump and also whisper a horrified "No" at the same time.

Because she's descending into a path of madness driven on by some serious abandonment, a rough life from the get-go, and the urge to convince someone that she's worth the trouble. She's worth it so please please please don't let her go. Don't leave her.

It's such a heartbreaking cycle that truly gets into my emotions and makes me feel. I'm obsessed with the way that the narrative does not throw her away like many of the characters coinciding with her arc are portrayed as doing, but also the way that it balances out her tragic past elements with some absolute badass scenes with such dope action and visuals that the screen she's on is only slightly tinged with sadness.

I wish I could put it into better words, but Jinx is simply off-the-walls in a way that is so unnervingly fun, but also devastating to watch as she scrambles to keep the people she loves close when she feels them drift away.

2. Heimerdinger

You don't understand my love for this eccentric ex-councillor. If I could go out and get lunch with any of these characters it'd be him. I want him to sloppily write all of his ideas on a napkin that I try to decipher for hours, only to fall back onto my bed in defeat.

I want to hear him talk about issues he think are important, and what he finds to be integral to his life. I would literally listen to this dude talk for hours and hours upon end, and watch with childlike wonder at his glorious inventions.

He's literally soooooooo amazing and I love him. I love the way that he was first introduced too!! He's just a goofball who really doesn't try to be funny. And omg when he's wandering the streets and shows the girl the top?? When he finds Ekko???

You literally cannot fathom how wiggily this man makes me feel.

Also I think it's something about his history.

He's seen dangerous devices before. He's seen the rise and the fall of entire planets and populations. He's built a city from the ground up, only upon the idea of progress and the scientific method. He wishes for those around him to let their curiosity take hold and lead them to projects and places all around them.

He truly wishes that everyone has the chance to be a scientist, and he's such an oxymoron. He's a scientist who gets stuck in the ways of his past, and it's a battle that he fights throughout all of his screen-time during the show.

I love Heimerdinger so much <33

Also have you seen his mustache?

[ID: Heimerdinger looking just off to the right, his face contorted in anger with his two fists on a table that reaches up to his waist. END ID]

And finally, last but not least:

Caitlyn Kiramman

This one isn't as rooted in narrative drive as it is for how amazingly Caitlyn fits into the show as a main character simply through her dynamics with other characters alone.

I'm head over heels for her friendship with Jayce. I love the scene that they share in Happy Progress Day, I'm over the moon with the fact that for her investigation she lets Vi go, only to grow to love her as their narrative throws shit at them that they have to face together.

I love that through Caitlyn, we get to see the soft side of Vi come back, the protectivness, the love, and the bickering that comes with it is absolutely a delight. I swear the two of them could have a spin-off Nancy Drew-esc story and I would read it.

And the way that Jinx sees her as a threat? The way that when she sees Vi finding love and being able to cope with her trauma by moving forward, she thinks that there is only one place at Vi's side. That she thinks that Vi is betraying her?

You don't understand. I'm going feral.

I also think that Caitlyn's ambition to do what she loves no matter who tells her otherwise is simply proven wrong. For the girl will be an enforcer, she knows that she will. No one can stop her.

Also she and Vi may or may not be in love and I simply think that that is absolutely a relationship that I need in my life as sapphic (?) myself.

(Honorable mentions go to Viktor and Mel. You both deserve the world and I adore them to bits.)

My favorite things about the show:

Dude. Dude this show is so incredible writing-wise. It tells a compelling story, grappling with so many issues at once and somehow managing to do it all in a clear way. The representation is at it's peak, because these characters are not gay for extra points, they are not black to check off a box. They are deeply thought out characters with narrative arcs that bounce off their traits. They are not simply marketing ploys and it's refreshing. (godDAMN my standards are low)

Anyway the storytelling capabilities that this show pulls off with the dynamic characters bouncing off one another, a seamless timeskip, lore that pulls me in and fascinates me as a consumer, and themes that pique my interest makes it one of my favorite shows of all time.

The art style too. Gah!! I'm in love with the way that the characters' designs work, the way that the lighting is handled in different scenes, the painting look that the models take. It's such an amazing and most likely time-consuming animation style, but it turned into one of the most gorgeous-looking shows that I've ever seen.

And dude. dude. The. The the the. The soundtrack. The incredibly differing soundtrack that varies from song to song, depending on the mood that the show is trying to capture is OUGh. Snakes, Enemy? Such bops, would sprint to them anytime, 11/10.

Favorite scene?

*shaking uncontrollably* The fucking ending one. The last scene takes into account all of the factors that make Arcane such a special show as a whole, and it wraps 'em up in this nice little present for the show to end off on.

The way that Silco is killed like any other man, the way that betrayal bleeds into his eyes as he dies, acceptance in his words as Jinx cradles his head in her hands, apologizing profusely for what she's done.

The narrative parallel to the line "She's a loose canon" so much earlier in the show is a stab to the heart as you watch the light fade from his eyes.

The way that What Could Have Been plays hauntingly through the entire scene, the viewer's eyes dreading the way that it's about to end. And the way that the characters' expressions twist in different ways as the final missile blows into the council window, the way that Mel's figure is highlighted before it's hit.

There are many scenes that are incredible, but this one might be my up at one of my favorites of all time.

To get even more specific, the way that Caitlyn's slow motion sob turns into her mother's resigned face as she makes her vote--that part literally broke me.

I think that literally might be my favorite shot in the entire show.

Anyway, to summarize my incredibly long post of thoughts, Arcane is a cinematic masterpiece, and I wish I could go into more detail, but it's like 12am and my brain isn't really up to the task. Thank you so much for the ask, needless to say, I loved the show to bits <33

[officialleotolstoy]

So how about that aro Pierre elaboration? <3

Yes absolutely!!

Disclaimer this only applies to Great Comet!Pierre. I have thots on arospec W&P Pierre too but they’re very different

The line that really tipped me off to this is in Dust and Ashes, where he says “but if I die here tonight/I die in my sleep” in the context of “they say we are asleep until we fall in love”. The implication here being that Pierre hasn’t fallen in love. You could argue that he’s just not in love right now, but the phrasing kind of implies it’s a one-time awakening that Pierre hasn’t gone through yet. This makes sense in the context of the play, where the only “romantic” relationship he’s ever said to have/tried to have is with Hélène, whom he’s very clearly not in love with.

To me, Dust and Ashes is about mental illness (duh) but also the fear that you’ll never fall in love/haven’t fallen in love so there’s something wrong with you and you won’t be whole until you do, and that in the context of aro Pierre makes my head spin a little! Also this coming directly after Dolokhov tells him “you can’t love her” so jeeringly in The Duel…I like to think that really hit Pierre where it hurts, especially the use of the word can’t - not won’t, not don’t, but can’t. It’s not possible for Pierre, and that really messes with him. (Obviously that’s not an excuse for his treatment of her! And I am aware that’s probably not what the line was intended to mean but I’m rubbing my grubby little aroace hands all over it and there’s nothing you can do about it).

So Act One Pierre’s aro-ness is really very much “oh my gosh there’s something wrong with me and I’ll never be whole because I haven’t loved romantically”. Act Two is the good part :)

The “if I were not myself etc etc” speech is likely intended to be some profession of romantic love, and most people take it as such, but I don’t because I’m smarter and cooler and have better takes than everyone else (/j) and I will aro and/or ace-ify anything I can get my hands on. It’s especially thrilling to take the romantic climax of a piece of media and be like mmmmm no :) this is platonic now :) cause i said so :). So! The important bit of that speech to me is the “if I were not myself” part of the line. Though Pierre doesn’t say it, there’s an unspoken “but I can’t” at the end of his confession, and that’s what I focus on. That part of the line is certainly supposed to be “oh I’m not good enough for you!1!1!” But what if I just decided it was “I literally physically cannot” because I wanted it to mean that, what are you gonna do then?

I do not like Pierretasha for a myriad of reasons, so I like to kind of forcibly reframe that confession as “I care about you and trust you enough that if I was someone else who was in love with you, I would absolutely be okay with marrying you right now”. It’s an expression of trust in Natasha, not of romantic love for her. He’s just using marriage as the example because that’s what’s on her mind at the moment.

(Of course, all of this falls apart in the context of the book but the wonderful thing about the play is we don’t have any of that hanging around to mess stuff up)

“But Wren!” You cry, “If Pierre cares about her platonically, why is he so obsessed with it? Why does he think it heals him? Why all the callbacks to his inability to really feel at the beginning?” (Digression, my favorite one is “frozen at the center” in Pierre vs “my newly melted heart” in Great Comet of 1812).

But that’s the best part!!! The arc I have in my head is that Pierre has learned that romantic love is NOT the pinnacle of feeling and the purpose of existence. It’s okay if he doesn’t ever feel that! He’s kind, generous, warmhearted, and loves platonically, and that’s fine. He doesn’t need anything else to be a complete person. Seeing Natasha like that affects him so strongly because he realizes oh wow… I can take care of her and care about her so much and it’s platonic, I don’t need to feel romantic love to be worth something. And it sticks with him because it’s a pivotal moment in his self-perception. He gets to go from loathing himself for not being something he can’t even be in the first place to loving the way he loves!

You can imagine why that makes me, an aroace person, go a little bit insane. I think more arcs of platonic love and the importance of that are desperately needed in media, and I would love to see that more.

(Again, I realize this was not the play’s intention and I am purposely interpreting these lyrics weirdly. I don’t think this is the only reading, or even the “canon” one but when you’ve only seen yourself explicitly represented once in fiction, you get really really good at scrounging up crumbs!)

[shinesurge]

Okay I think I kind of see where you were coming from here! I'm cool letting this lie and I'm not upset, but since it's come up and this sort of thing can get pretty heated for independent creators on the internet, I'd actually like to speak about media analysis a little bit lmao

This initial ask is a broad and complex thing to bring up that I could talk about at length, because I have worked hard to build a thoughtful universe that also deals with ugly topics with intention. But I don't really think there's a lot to be gained getting into it here over this detail specifically. On the whole, I think this is sort of a weird thing to take away from this small piece of KC's magic system against the context of the rest of the story; I work very hard to indicate that the major players in KC get that way because of their attitudes and decisions, not because of destiny or the circumstances of their birth. This idea has been brought up in the narrative as a core value several times and addressed directly in the text by characters more than once. We're currently in the middle of the protagonist's backstory, who is very literally an absolute nobody from nowhere: the driving force and, from a meta perspective, the lens through which Kidd Commander is viewed, is just a "normal" human who has had some weird things happen to her. The thing that makes her and anyone else in this story stand out is stubbornness and ambition, which are not things tied directly to genetics in the story's context or in real life, as far as I'm aware.

And as far as it goes, I would sincerely hope that the narrative also doesn't objectively portray people with inherited abilities as "better humans." Just out of who we've met: Ulrich, who is a silverspeaker, is hard of hearing to the point he uses an aid, he is asthmatic, and he suffers from psychosis symptoms. He is also routinely at a disadvantage compared to other crew members who can perceive spiritual things he can't because his eyes don't function properly. Toulouse, who is a walker, is so severely obsessive compulsive it's difficult for him to speak sometimes. They're both queer men, which. I also feel sort of doesn't mesh with this insinuation, if we're coming at this from a real world perspective. This is very deliberately not a story about Chosen Ones in any capacity, including in the real life sense.

The world KC takes place in is desperate and ugly sometimes, and really awful things happen there, so I will say in-universe the whole concept of profiting off of various rare abilities or trying to recreate them IS a thing we will contend with eventually. The concept of starstone is totally fucked (and addressed as such in the text), we spoke at length about the practicalities of living with innate abilities wayyyy back in Last Chance when we mentioned that someone intentionally destroyed Ulrich's vision somehow, and in Decodenn there was this whole Thing. I would also argue that Monterey immediately getting mulched by a protagonist after saying such cruel things about being superior to Agatha and Phineas both ought to count for something here. I'm certainly not perfect or above reproach, I've matured a lot as a writer and a person (hopefully) over the decade I've been doing this, but I try very hard to be aware of the implications of my writing because I usually had them in mind while I was writing them.

I am a queer and deeply mentally ill person who was born with at least one diagnosed physical disorder who is, to an often humiliatingly obvious degree, almost always writing about processing trauma or loneliness or being Othered for various reasons. I think it's a bit disingenuous to engage with my body of work and come away with a read like the one originally implied here. I would hope that even when complex or unpleasant things are brought up in my story that it's clear where I stand on them as an adamant humanist writing about people loving each other to the point of developing super powers about it. What I'm getting at here is, if folks are looking at stories and they encounter something that could potentially be construed as endorsement for something unpleasant, I strongly encourage them to step back and consider it against both the context of the work itself and, if possible, from the perspective of the person who wrote it and why they might have written it. If it still sucks, sure, ask them about it! But if it's incongruous with the rest of the work or the author themself, I think it's a bit unfair to jump straight to an inflammatory conclusion and ask the author to defend themself against it.

I feel like this is the kind of thing you might think about — if you're born with silverspeak and walking, how are you keeping KC from drawing eugenics conclusions?

Sorry, could you elaborate on what you're asking here! Is this asking about in-universe attitudes around innate abilities or are you asking me whether my comic is promoting some sort of eugenics agenda? could you explain what Conclusions you're talking about?

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[aflyingcontradiction]

The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 93 - Contaminant

Hope I haven’t upset Georgie too much. How can she be mad? She’s got you. Er, yep, that’s your arse. Thanks for that. Look, I know, I love you too, but can I have my lap back? - Jon

I LOVE ADMIRAL SO MUCH! (Also "Yep, that's your arse, thanks for that." is such a cat owner mood, it had me giggling weeks after listening to this episode just from randomly remembering it.)

Bet the world ends, and you do just fine. - Jon

Welp, that's a bit prescient of Jon!

Then, last year, the… unthinkable happened. Hereditary conditions, right? They… They can really ruin… everything. The doctors told us the chances of it happening were astronomical, like we should be proud of having something so unlikely march in and ruin our lives, but within ten months both myself and Greg were widowers. - Statement of Lester Chang

I didn't even have a connection to this statement giver yet but this was a real gut punch moment. He sets up this whole story of family life and then, just like that, it's all gone.

I didn’t handle it well. I was still deep in grief myself, and I almost broke down, pleading with him, telling him it wasn’t healthy. When I said that, he laughed. He actually threw his head back and laughed. It was one of the most unnerving sounds I’d ever heard.

I can imagine this scene quite vividly, including the unnerving-ness of the laughter.

I shook my head and turned to leave, but as I did so, I saw a small flash of colour in the bath. I pulled back the white curtain and looked down. Surrounding the edges of the plug’s pristine chrome was a small halo of purple. I leaned over to get a closer look. It appeared to be some sort of fungus, scrubbed away so only the faintest traces remained.

At the point where it became clear what this episode was going to be all about, my partner started to tease me a little because we, too, have mould (of the hopefully non-supernatural sort) in our bathroom and I have, at times, gotten a tad anxious and obsessed about getting rid of it (not cause of the health effects, just cause it looks ugly and also anxiety about what the landlord may say on the off-chance he actually comes around).

It looked like my father-in-law was moving, though. I remember, it was Breekon and Hope doing it; they had a depot a ways down the street, and I recall thinking how odd that was, using a couple of local lads with such a small van, given how much furniture they were having to load up from Greg’s house.

Hm, what ARE Breekon and Hope getting out of this? A stockpile of contaminated furniture?

I’ve already stayed here too long. It’s not fair, putting her in danger like this. Or the Admiral. - Jon

Yeah, don't endanger the kitty!

Are they a neutral party, carting round whatever horror needs delivering, just a piece of otherworldly infrastructure?

I adore the phrase 'otherworldly infrastructure'

Jon: Then, a couple of years ago, the Head of the Archives, Gertrude Robinson, she disappeared, and Elias, my boss, chose me as her replacement. Georgie: Why?

Georgie's got a sharp mind, gotta hand it to her. She immediately zeroes in on how Elias hiring Jon doesn't actually make sense.

Jon: Head Archivist. Georgie: Well that does make sense, actually. In context. (...) What I mean is, if there’s no-one above you, there’s no-one to point out you’re doing everything wrong.

She's being a bit rude, but also, she's not wrong...

Jon: Look, can we put my professional competence to one side, please. Because I’m trying to tell you monsters are real! Georgie: Okay.

This was both a "WTF" moment and a moment of relief. WTF because, well, that is NOT the reaction I expected at all, but a moment of relief because I absolutely loathe media dwelling on someone telling the truth and their friends and loved ones, the people that they should be able to trust, thinking they're delusional or lying. I can't consume media like that without becoming really, really anxious. So I'm glad TMA didn't go there.

Jon: Right, it’s… it’s just, I think I’m turning into one. Georgie: Really? That’s… not great.

Well, that's one way to put it!

Jon: What is something you would never choose to tell me? Georgie: When we first met I thought you were putting on that accent to sound more impressive.

Okay, but that's a hilarious thing to compel out of someone!

Jon: And sometimes they choose people to be… er, servants? Conduits? Georgie: Avatars?

Oooh, I had forgotten that Georgie coins the term 'avatars'!

Georgie: If your job is asking questions, I mean. You were always the one who pushed too far, and asked smart-arse, awkward questions. I always was surprised you never got punched.

Yup, Jon is natural Eye fodder.

Jon: Would be nice to meet a monster, and not have a scar to show for it.

Oh god. This line in hindsight...

My impression of this episode

I think on the first go this episode didn't impact me as much as it just did. Actually, the horror, the Corruption, here isn't the most impactful thing (though it's plenty creepy), but this time around I read it more as a story of the trauma of loss - the statement giver losing his wife and then losing his last connection to her (her father) through what he first thinks is mental illness caused by trauma (and there's where it connects up with real life) but turns out to be something worse. And that actually really got to me. Then there's the conversation of Georgie and Jon, which goes over a lot of stuff we already know but somehow manages to remain interesting despite that. And the cliffhanger the episode ends on - what is it Georgie knows? - is pretty exciting, too.

[wardens-stew]

The Mask Falling Hints MASTERPOST

Clearly I have wayyy too much time on my hands! 

I have compiled a list of information Samantha Shannon has divulged on social media about The Mask Falling, mostly paraphrased from her Tumblr and Twitter. Some of it dates back as far as 2016, so it’s not certain that all of it will happen - I’ve included an asterisk for the tidbits in which Samantha explicitly mentioned that it was pre-editing. I didn’t include a link to the original source because that would be too much work, but if anyone has questions I can probably find it pretty easily! The recent ARC reviews also include some hints, but I haven’t included them because that would be a crap-ton of text. Feel free to add anything I missed! Anyway enjoy the fruits of my obsession! 

Hints:

We will find out how badly Warden was affected by Paige’s torture - there’s a lot about the effects of her torture in the book 

The non-binary character is a free-world spy, pretending to be French 

Paige has issues with drinking water and showering 

Paige will make another valiant effort to get Warden to talk about his feelings 

Paige’s demisexuality is clarified -  she reflects on the way she wants in comparison to the way the allosexual Nick and Eliza do

Paige gets slammed into the wall by someone, but not Terebell (also not Warden, because then she would be very dead) 

The grey market storyline continues

Etymological connection of Arcturus meaning bear-guard and Mahoney meaning descendant of the bear is worked into the books 

Paige cries

Paige’s PTSD is a thread throughout the book 

Paige has mental and physical difficulties following her torture 

“The scope of everything gets bigger, there's more focus on the free world and how it interacts with Scion, and you'll find out more about Rephaite history and the origin of clairvoyance.”

You may figure out what happened to Procyon

Warden’s aura type is mentioned*

Paige starts calling Warden Arcturus. They have a discussion about it. But she keeps calling him Warden in front of other people. 

The prologue begins about an hour after The Song Rising 

Warden asks Paige to teach him Irish

Contains clues as to the big secret at the heart of the series 

Warden does a few very sweet things

We’ll find out a reason why Nashira considers Warden a possession rather than a partner*

Paige is at her most fragile

One of the characters eats an orange

There is a distinct Priory parallel in one section of the story

Paige asks Warden if Rephaim can get drunk 

We will find out if Rephaim can get physically ill

We’ll get a piece of information that may help us understand the Rephaite logic behind Warden feeding on Paige’s aura 

More about the golden cord

Paige’s feelings with her father will be explored 

We will find out why it was common knowledge amongst Rephaim that Terebell and Warden were once mated 

Warden might tell us what would happen if he tried to eat

More about voyant-amaurotic sex will be explained 

We will learn more about the Rephaim’s internal politics and conflicts 

We get to see Paige’s birthday

We we’ll find out how Warden knows how to develop Paige’s gift*

Paige and Warden butt heads over right and wrong 

We’ll find out why Warden said that Sargas are the only Rephs who choose their mates

We’ll find out more about the half-urge

We’ll find out more about the complicated history between Warden and Terebell

Warden is planning to learn Gaelic (pre-editing)

We’ll find out two of the reasons why Warden hates Nashira so much*

We’ll find out about the promise Warden made to Nashira that she alludes to before the Bicentary

Warden says something with an exclamation mark

Warden will tell us more about the memory of Terebell, and how it was a prelude to one of the defining moments of his existence 

Paige visits Warden’s dreamscape a few times, but we only see it once

Paige addresses the author directly 

Nick isn’t in the book at all

The plot takes place only in Paris

Paige dies her hair red

A character Samantha did not originally plan to be in TBS4 now is

There’s a big scene in the Sainte-Chapellle in Paris

The book is shaping up to be the darkest book in the series, but also contains the most jokes 

Paige feels really ill for most of the book 

Samantha starts hinting at the Grand Backstory of the series 

Paige is under strict orders to stay inside for a month, but she breaks the rules to explore Paris 

The main antagonist was born in “the burning summer of 2019”

We’ll find out about two of Warden’s past relationships 

Paige and Warden have to get food deliveries from a guy called Albéric because they’re not allowed to go outside 

There’s espionage 

Warden uses the super unnecessary word “sennight”

A lot of the book takes place underground

We learn if a non-polyglot could ever learn Gloss 

There is a Very Awkward Conversation*

There is a time skip between the fourth and fifth books

Warden smiles a lot… with his eyes

The ending will change everything 

Scion must change its public face due to an event that happens at the end

People who liked The Mime Order will love it

TBS4 picks up when Paige is resting.

It will go into more detail about how Rephaim emerge

It marks the beginning of Beautiful Dresses in The Bone Season 

It introduces a Rephaite character Samantha absolutely loves, with her favorite Rephaite name 

There’s a scene Samantha has wanted to write for years 

The ending is very dark 

There’s a cute priory reference 

There’s a character Samantha loves - “she’s so cool that I don’t know how a nerd like me invented her”

“The relationship between Warden and Paige gets deeper and more complicated in this one, and you get to know Warden a little better.”

“[Paige and Warden] are together a lot in this book, as they’re sharing a safe house in Paris. It’s the first time they’ve spent a significant amount of time with one another since they escaped Sheol I.  You’ll actually glimpse the ways they both react to being stuck inside in The Mask Falling, as they’re meant to stay hidden in a safe house for a month so Paige can start to recover from her ordeal.”

“It’s a love song to Paris in the way The Mime Order was a love song to London.”

“[Paige and Warden do have some happy calm moments.] Although there’s a lot of action in the book, there’s also quite a lot of downtime. Paige is still recovering from her ordeal in the Archon, so she can’t always be out in the world kicking ass. She’s resting as well, trying to get her strength back.”

“I won’t lie, The Mask Falling is a book to fear . . . but there are some nice bits. Including some coffee-drinking.”

“[Paige and Warden] do so much in this book. So much.”

“Most of the characters who didn’t go to Paris are absent from TBS4.”

“Paige and Warden do so much in this book, I just couldn’t cram any other storylines in. However, several old friends do turn up in it, as well as a bunch of new characters I hope you’ll love as much as I do.”

“Paige [experiences the messiest-most-intense emotion in TBS4]. She goes through the emotional wringer in this one.”

“The second ‘arc’ has the same main characters and the same antagonist. The difference has more to do with the setting, the scope of the narrative, and the type of battle being fought against Scion. You’ll have a better idea of what I mean when you read the end of TBS4.”

“This book puts both [Paige and Warden] through the emotional wringer, but there are lighter parts as well.” “Nick meets an old friend while he’s in Sweden and Paige and Warden will be staying in central Paris, on Rue Gît-le-Cœur. You can see some of the locations from Book 4 here: [x]”

“TBS4 is basically just a long Hurt/Comfort piece with occasional and reluctant splashes of Action/Adventure”

“THE MASK FALLING leans a little more Adult than the other BONE SEASON books. The whole series is officially classified as Adult, but the first three aren't far off YA in terms of sexual content, violence etc. THE MASK FALLING is . . . maybe a tiny bit sexier.”

“Doing my final reread of THE MASK FALLING and naturally I've noticed a recurring phrase that I have used no less than thirty times in the manuscript.”

“It blows the world of The Bone Season right open. It’s where everything changes. It takes place in a brand-new setting and forms the bridge between the two ‘arcs’ of the series. I hope the ending will show readers get why I really do need seven instalments to tell this story.”

“Books 1-4 is what I call the “Scion arc”, but Scion is still a threat in Books 5-7. Book 4 is kind of in the middle, with more of a focus on Rephaim than there currently is in Book 3.”

“He’s in Book 4, he’s French, he’s voyant, and I’m writing his introduction scene now. I think I love him?”

“The draft is about 140 000 words long – a little shorter than The Mime Order – with a veritable tonne of action, espionage, international politics, eerie catacombs, old enemies, new friends, and messy, intense emotions packed into that word count.” 

“This one combines my favourite elements of The Bone Season (Warden and Paige chats), The Mime Order (syndicate weirdness) and The Song Rising (heists and angst)”

“The fourth Bone Season book is well underway, and things are about to take a very dark turn for Paige.”

“It’s mostly focused on Paris, but you’ll find out bits and pieces about what’s happening in both England and Europe.”

“She’s suffering from PTSD and aquaphobia following her water torture in The Song Rising, so she’s pretty much in the ringer for the whole book. There are a few light moments, but she’s under a lot of stress from the start.”

“While I wouldn't call it spy fiction, TBS4 is delving into espionage territory as Warden and Paige, still exhausted from their tremendous efforts against Scion in The Song Rising, attempt to navigate the convoluted political and criminal networks of Scion Paris.”

“Book 4 is a touch more political, laced with subterfuge”

Lists:

Things you’ll see:

The carrières of Paris

A masquerade (ofc)

A mysterious character you haven’t seen in a long while

Arcturus Mesarthim saying ‘hm’ about 18 times

Five words:

Revelations

Politics

Water

Heartache

War

Three adjectives:

Macabre

Emotional

Seismic

There is a lot of:

Warden and Paige

Rain

Classy interior decor

Angst

New characters include:

A spy so fashionable and icy cool I’m unsure of how a nerd like me created her

A tall, irritable Frenchman with a bit of a God complex

A terrifying new Rephaite with an uncomfortably sexy voice

It has:

A Parisian underworld 

A demisexual MC 

A masquerade ball 

Catacombs 

Forbidden, angst-stricken desire 

Verbal consent 

Acknowledgement of periods 

I can promise:

Parisian buildings TOURISTS LOVE. Notre-Dame? It's there, there's a masquerade INSIDE IT. Sainte-Chapelle? Oui. Versailles? Naturally. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, we're climbing it 

Getting DOWN and DIRTY. (By which I mean literally, down, into the catacombs.)

People who arrive in Paris SPEAKING FRENCH because they have been given a job for which they have the correct SKILLSET *bangs table* 

No crêpes (#OhCrepe), but CHAUSSONS AUX POMMES 

ROOFTOP PICNIC 

Not everyone is STRAIGHT 

Chic OUTFITS, all quite filthy by the end

Locations: 

The beautiful Sainte-Chapelle, my favourite place on Earth. 

Rue Gît-le-Cœur, a major location in the book and previously home to the Beat Hotel.

The famous doorway in the Paris Catacombs. The inscription translates to 'Stop! This is the Empire of Death.' 

Rue Montmartre, where we may or may not encounter an old face. 

Preview in gifs:

Originally posted by cinemagraphs

Originally posted by queeniegoldtsein

Originally posted by cumlelerinruhu

Snippets:

Out-of-context chapter title: Chapter 3: Gloomy Coffee

Part names*: 

1. To Pay Thee Free

2. Turn the Anchor

3. Eurydice

Quotes:

“What the fuck is that?” she whispered to me. “Looks like a frozen rainbow.”

“The horizon was as red as if the fire still burned. I watched the sunrise from the roof. Fog breathed into every nook and alcove of Paris, laced over the dark crests of the river, blanched the skin to the pink of salmon. I was sure the air was still spiced with the tang of smoke.”

“So,” he said, “we are choosing larceny.” “Always so surprised when his criminal friend commits crimes.”

“I wouldn’t usually care who you’re riding at any given time”

“I sensed all of this was very important, but I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about”

“I picked up the floundering ribbons of my dignity and started over”

“His home was in decay, and mine lay in the shadow of the anchor. Scion had made wanderers of us.”

Current opening line (circa Dec 18, 2018): “The sun had been climbing over the cliffs when our ship had pared away from Dover.”

“Someone who had heard of me and whose first response had not been to try to kill me. What a treat.”

“A hollow ache stretched out within me. It started in the chambers of my heart, in a place that reached eternally for Ireland.”

“‘I promised you we would stay together,’ he said. ‘In the absence of other options, I will follow your lead on this matter.’”

“‘I’m fine.’ ‘Your attempt to mask the darkness under your eyes serves as compelling evidence of that. As does the full bowl of coffee.’ I cocked my head. ‘Did you just master sarcasm?’ ‘Paige.’ ‘It’s a cup of coffee. With… no handle.’”

“‘There’s no fireplace,’ I stated. ‘No.’ ‘But how are you-‘ A wild laugh was bubbling up. ‘How are you going to cope without one?’ ‘Cope,’ Warden repeated.  ‘You need one. To stare into, pensively. Did you know,’ I said to him, ‘that you do that a lot?’ He tilted his head, which only set off a fit of silent laughter. My ribs ached in protest.”

‘I mustered all the breath I had left and screamed, until I folded on myself and my voice burned to nothing.’

‘Who can break you now, Black Moth, now there is nothing left to break?’

[queen-of-meows]

Wow, look how far this post went from the original point XD.

I (mostly) agree with you. Maybe I’m a bit more strict than you when it comes to 14 years old posting fics on line ^^. I’m just worried about minors being active on the Internet. I certainly wrote messed up things as a teen, and I am so happy they never left my secret stash under the bed ^^.

In the end, I am not a pro-shipper, neither an anti-shipper, but a third secret thing (someone who hates absolute thinking).

I tend to think everyone is responsible of what they do in public spaces, whether they’re a best seller author or a random Twitter user (obviously one has far more power than the other). That doesn’t mean we have to cancel poeple at the smallest error. We all make mistakes, sometimes we repeat a joke without realising it is insensitive. Sometimes we make a headcanon that sounded cool, but is accidentally a stereotype... Our past selves knew less and our future selves will know better.

But when it comes to dark topics in media, anti rethoric can do much more harm than good. Lots of poeple use dark media as a coping mechanism. Or sometimes poeple don’t realise they have trauma or a mental illness, and a dark, even problematic piece of media makes something click in their head. If they are repeated over and over they are a bad person for obsessing over a piece of media, it will only add more shame and trauma, and force them back in the dark. Sometimes media has the power to open eyes, and years after, after recovery, you look back and think “oh, that’s why I was so obsessed with this character”. And since you will never know the full history of the person behind the screen (or even IRL), it’s better to be careful with hasty judgment.

Another thing that really worries me is the current tendancy to ask for hyper sanitized media. I love Steven Universe. This show has some flaws, sometimes it deals with topics too dark for its genre, and it can be a bit awkward and insensitive. But I will always admire how the writers never shyied away from realistic, messy situations. Traumatized characters sometimes act in a shitty way because it’s what mental health issues do, and bad situations don’t always have a rosy resolutions. It’s rare a piece of media tells you your life doesn’t have to be perfect and it’s ok if you don’t get over your trauma. Real life is messy and difficulties don’t get resolved by a last minute plot twist.

And I think it’s time to come full circle and talk about Sylvie and Loki. I’ve seen poeple arguing about their final confrontations, taking one side or another, calling Sylvie toxic for resisting to Loki, or Loki stubborn for resisting to Sylvie. Or poeple calling the scene itself toxic and abusive. Which worries me a lot.

In real life, conflict is unavoidable. And unless you curate your life to the smallest, non-diverse, echo chamber, there will always be a conflict at some point. Not everyone will agree with every single point of your politics or worldview. That’s not how it works. And then ? If you can’t make someone agree with you, will you abandon your own convictions so there is no conflict anymore ?

Trying to avoid all conflict is dangerous, because is will always lead to silencing others or silencing yourself. Sometimes, you have to hold tight to your values and let go of the idea of convincing the person you love. And if the divergence of opinion is too important, to take your distance. That’s the healthy way to deal with conflict. Sylvie made a mistake, but holding to her convictions and taking her distances with Loki was the right thing to do.

To make it short, I think we all have a responsibility in what media we engage with and how we talk about it online, but what matters is how we treat poeple. That includes being careful about how we act in fandom spaces.

And yeah, anime is on another level ^^.

It’s funny that, before Sylvie was even properly introduced in the show, she was set up as a Loki variant - you know, Loki, the guy who was a villain of three movies - and somehow people think it’s upsetting that she turns out to have villainous qualities. “Why did she have to kill her fellow variants when she could have tried to free them and join them in a revolution against the TVA?”, I don’t know Becky, why did Loki have to try and commit genocide against his fellow jotunns when he found out he was their stolen prince, instead of joining them against Odin’s imperialism? Why Loki taking out his self esteem issues on a failed attempt to conquer a planet full of innocent people who did nothing to him make him a complex and tormented villain, but Sylvie killing officers who were actively trying to harm her make her a heartless bitch?

It’s literally a theme point that Loki feels connected to Sylvie because her lust for vengeance at all costs reminds him of himself in his villain days (“I’ve been where you are”), but people somehow insist that her anger and cruelty are meant to be seen as positive or heroic, or justified, when the narrative is clearly highlighting them as moral flaws that are weighting her down and that she must put behind her. Not to mention that her arc is not done yet, and we already see the regret creeping onto her when she weeps on the floor after killing He Who Remains.

Loki stans will write walls on meta on how even smallest things about his life, like a brief passage of Heimdall being casually rude to him, or how Volstagg being casually dismissive of him, of even Sif’s brief side eye to him, equals to terrible abuse that explains how he became the bitter villain that he’s turned into. But Sylvie having her reality erased as a child because the equivalent to God Himself has deemed that her very existence was crime against Creation, which forced her to live on the run jumping from one mass death event after the other, seeing everyone she’s ever known being fated to die soon, while she’s hunted down like a dog, is something she should just get over. And that would totally not explain how she became so hardened and angry. Right.

Bottom line: moral ambiguity is for male characters only, women are not allowed to have moral flaws to grow out of, and if Sylvie has a male variant played by Hiddles himself her haters would be fawning over him as their new wobbie villain.

[faecaptainofdreams]

Can you at least acknowledge not all men and AMAB are not all bad? Being disabled isn’t an excuse to belittle others - an AFAB mentally ill autistic

My dear, i HAVE acknowledged this. Many times on Twitter, and DA. You also did NOT apparently read the entire description at the bottom stating i do not feel such a way about ALL men. I don’t think all women, cis or otherwise, are all heroines. Of course men not all bad, but I’ve explained 1,000 times why in GENERAL, CIS. MEN. Piss me off. You very VERY strongly missed a LOT of context. You have chosen to fixate on something. The other astonishing thing is, despite my apparently causing you so much upset, you will not let it go or move on from it. More to the point, you continue to hide behind an anonymous facade instead of calmly having a real conversation with me. I assume you’re either stalking me or just haven’t filtered me out of your media, which is alarming for both of us. That or you’re just hung up on something from a few weeks ago and haven’t bothered to update your reservoir of information on me before continuing to say dumb shit, which just makes you pathetic. The way you spoke to me last time, it felt like you just had this endless ocean of information about me, but upon calming down i realized you do not, and actually know VERY little. If you actually paid enough attention, you would see that i have MANY male characters, particularly ones who are kind, benevolent, and even center their own stories. A cis old man is the hero of my Minecraft lore. I also love Peter Parker, a white Jewish boy with spider powers who is sweet and fun and beats bad guys! WOW! 🤪 Crazy, right?! Literally just two examples. I’m also straight and highly attracted to men, cis and trans, so. Kinda hard to completely hate and want to destroy something you’re attracted to. And the “YOU’RE racist for assuming Cynder is black” comment is so silly I’m not even going to dignify it with acknowledgment beyond this point. You need to learn to read context clues, study shit before making accusations and be up front. What you’re doing is weird and unhealthy. Also, i never used my disabilities as an excuse to “hate men” or “be racist.” I explained what my disabilities inhibit me from doing for myself and my community, and why i rely on the internet and use links and funds to do my part for now. Has it ever occurred to you that what i did with Cynder is one person’s unique viewpoint that clearly doesn’t bother literally anyone else, and that my sharing it wasn’t some “wokeness crusade” to overthrow society? That’s giving me WAY too much credit, lmao. And despite your bizarre fixation on me and this one particular piece, i doubt you’ve checked it out since your mounted attack. It’s been updated for more explanation, thanks to some points you brought up. So actually, THANK you for that. No matter how detailed i think i am, clearly i need to learn to be even more concise in the future. If this all isn’t good enough for you, nothing will be. Expressing an observation/opinion about something that can’t impact anyone is not wrong. Expressing anger over men when our society is crippled by patriarchy (and toxic feminazis, absolutely) is not unjustified. I also don’t understand where you think it’s transphobic??? If you’re referring to the part about our energies being different and AMABs being more chaotic, this is a common spiritual belief I’ve been raised with and aligns with my Wiccan roots. It’s not something to take to heart; it’s part of a personal belief system. Does this mean i may find trans women more chaotic? Absolutely. Just as many trans men are usually softer. I would know given half my friends are trans men, INCLUDING my fucking fiancé. But I don’t walk up to people, learn the sex they were born as and just assume they’re pieces of shit or will ruin my life or will automatically be a certain way. That’s idiotic. If this isn’t helpful to you, nothing will be. Either reveal yourself so I can block you, or block ME and get some help. Your obsession is unhealthy. Good luck.

[ash-etherwood]

Top 5: writing memories, songs, characters that are not blank rune, runes, food

♡

Linda I love you but are you trying to kill me … that’s so many Top 5’s! But alright, I’ll do my best! (Answers will probably switch between German and English RIP to every non-German-speaker who follows me and wants to read this for some reason I swear I’m normal)

WRITING MEMORIES

5.) The entire time I spent finishing my first (second?) longer writing project It was the year 2012 and it was a cyberpunk story about my friends’ and my edgy self inserts riding dinosaurs, fighting aliens and being badass. The plot twist in the end was that my character was secretly evil and wanted to kill everyone. (Things to show your therapist) The final boss fight made zero sense and also everything was incredibly weird and stupid. But sometimes I still think about those times when I sat in my grandma’s living room at night, eating chips and listening to Vocaloid covers while thinking this story was the coolest shit ever. Truly simpler times.

4.) Researching something about universities in Texas for OvF on a rainy Saturday afternoon I have no idea why this memory is still sticking with me to this day (I think it was around 2016 or something?), but I remember that it was just a really nice day and I felt really at peace at that moment?

3.) The entire writing process of Bathroom Blues It was such a spontaneous project and I still have no idea how I managed to power though it in just a little under two months! Also it was just incredibly fun seeing you getting excited over new drafts and I loved coming up with new plot points and Halloween costumes for everyone with you. :-D Truly a summer worth remembering.

2.) FINALLY uploading the prologue and intro chapter of WWBL Not really a writing memory, but that moment was … so sexy and magical. Seriously, you have no idea how long I had been waiting to finally start that story, waiting for the Steckbriefe to roll in and see people react to the prologue and generally the idea … I even made one of those countdown graphic thingies for the designated upload date! 8D At that point I had planned that story for about six months and just … yeah, that felt powerful to me.

1.) Writing the prologue for WWBL When I first started the draft for that prologue I was sitting at the window in my favourite hotel in Winterberg, Sauerland, wore my dark green flannel, had the window wide open breathing in the cool mountain air and allowed myself to listen to my WWBL playlist for the very first time. God, that felt so amazing. I even have a photo of it (which somehow makes it look like I have the biggest football shoulders in the universe) my sister took that night. God I miss Sauerland. )’:

- - - - -

SONGS

My apologies to every favourite song of mine that I forgot about, I have a whole playlist of them, but I think these are some of my oldest faves … (Honorable mentions for Don’t Mess With Me and Not That Big by Temposhark, Goodbye by Apparat, Me And The Devil by Soap&Skin, Heart Heart Head by Meg Myers, Pain and Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, Beautiful Crime by Tamer, Gravity Of Love by Enigma, In Flames by Digital Daggers [thanks Phi u_u] and Murder Cries by Snow Ghosts AHHH FUCK IT I could’ve just made a playlist,,,)

5.) Vater Unser by E Nomine Starting off with some weird shit, won’t we? I’ve been in love with this song since fifth or sixth grade, when I was just starting to develop an actual music taste and although I have many favourite songs by E Nomine, this one has to be my absolute fave. Every time I can relate it to a character it makes me love said character even more. (Also I think about it every time my mom forces me to go to church for Christmas so … yay? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be able to remember the Vater Unser if it wasn’t for this song. 8D)

4.) Wires by The Neighbourhood I think this is the newest all-time fave on this list, I found it in … 2015? Thank you, Youtube AMVs. Yeah man, this one is just … on so many playlists it’s not even funny anymore.

3.) Heathens by Twenty One Pilots An edgelord classic but like … it’s on EVERY playlist of mine. Every single one. It’s just so good. The first time I heard it was on the radio tho, when I was having breakfast with Jessie and I forced her to shazam it because it immediately stuck with me,,,

2.) Imaginary by Evanescence My first Evanescence song ever and the first step towards becoming who I am today I think. This song has like … such a big history for me, man. It single-handedly turned me goth in 2008 and I have never really thanked it for that.

1.) Eternal by Evanescence Might be my favourite song of all time. The number of dramatic RP scenes I have written with this in the background … man. Oh, also this song is the reason for one of my oldest internet nicknames, ‘eternala’, which subsequently shortened into Etschuh and then Tschuh, my main nickname until 2017, when I came out as trans and finally found an actual name for myself I was comfortable with!

- - - - -

NON BLANK RUNE CHARACTERS

I know this was probably supposed to be about fandom characters but I can literally not come up with a single character right now that I love with a special burning passion and that is not my or one of my friends’ OCs so you’re getting OCs now. u_u And boy do I have a lot of those.

5.) Jackson Tracey from atroCITY (mine) This little piece of shit kept me company for a pretty long time and is still very close to my heart for some reason, although I haven’t drawn him or really thought about him in detail for a while now. My favourite thing is how I only realized what a horrible person he was after I stopped regularly working with him but honestly good for me. 8D His storyline and personality is kinda convoluted and tbh I’m not really sure how much of it is canon anyway (atrc was always a little weird about canon rip) but yeah. He’s an obsessive stalker piece of shit who pities himself way too much and he is also a semi-immortal demigod who likes knives. I hate him but he also helped me a lot with some gender and sexuality stuff so thanks I guess.

4.) Mayoko Imai from Century Riders DXPrototype (Maus’ and mine) Mayoko is a magical girl protagonist with a cool cyborg arm prosthetic and her main character trait was that she was basically a reverse weeaboo, a Japanese girl who was obsessed with American media, culture and comic book heroes! I actually love her concept a lot and she also had a pretty cool character arc in her story (which Maus and I wrote together and actually finished btw!), although it could use a lot more … polishing from today’s point of view. But I love her anyway. She always wanted to do the right thing and be a hero and got broken pretty cruelly and her ending is kinda bittersweet I guess? Ahh there’s just so much nuance to it … anyways, CR3 also stuck with me for a very long time and I enjoyed the time with her a lot. :3 (Her name had a cameo in Another Incident btw heehee)

3.) Tessa *insert extremely long chain of unnecessary first names here* von Lean from Nobody Is Perfect and Infernal Temptation (belongs to one of my old school friends) Tessa is just … a hand full. I love to hate her. She is badly written and developed and just OOZES mentally ill teenage girl’s idealized self-insert power fantasy, but she just … man, she was a big part of one of my most drama-filled high school friendships which I love looking back at so much. Tessa has fucked so many of my characters … good for her tbh! There are actually two versions of her, one is just a ‘normal’ teenage girl and one can shapeshift into a cheetah, but both of them are very close to my heart. I should really adopt and redesign her some day.

2.) Judy Khayat from Original vs. Final (mine) Look, I love all my OvF-characters and every single one of them is special to me in their own way, but Judy is just … the most complex of them all I think? Man, she went through so much … she is actually one of my oldest (semi)-active characters (I created her in 2009) and her latest version is from 2016 but I should really, REALLY revise her again tbh. She has a very complicated backstory that I didn’t handle as carefully as I should have, and anger issues and religious conflict and depression and PTSD and then Vance of all people becomes obsessed with her for no reason and decides to traumatize her even more … yeah. God I really love her but I seriously need to work on her. A LOT. I should also finally rename her tbh … let’s just see where she takes me next.

1.) Okami (I don’t even remember if she has a proper last name rn lol) from Split Realm (mine) Yeah, that bitch is just my favourite OC. She’s also very old, probably from around 2009, and initially was a magical girl with fire powers who I played in an RP with my friend Flauch but boy did she grow up! Holy fuck. Okami is a horrible person but I love her so much. She is so violent and full of anger and pain and sadness and treats everyone around her like shit and she is in love and she is a demon but also apparently the personification of the concept of Chaos but she just wants to be a teenager again and run away with the love of her life and ahhh it’s all so hopeless for her … also she turned out gnc af with time passing and pretty much went through a gender/sexuality crisis in real time with me, her creator, which is always fun. :^D I haven’t drawn her in a while tbh. Should really do that.

- - - - -

RUNES IN BLANK RUNE

I’m just gonna go with the arcs here, okay? Also this entire answer might look completely different if you asked me again tomorrow, you know how indecisive I am with Blank Rune shit ahha,,,

5.) Jera Look. I know I’m boring and stupid. But I just love Tave and Liam having their disgusting little foreshadowing talk, okay? I can read it over and over. I just love my horrible little shit crime boys. Also Rhy and Phillip are there. (’:

4.) Isa This one is here because it was the first arc I witnessed in real time which gives it a very special place in my heart and it also … hit pretty hard at the time. But having read Fehu it’s become even better now! It’s just such a wonderful, tragic romance between two horrible, ruthless boys and I … I’m not immune to Rhy, sadly. :-/ Just like Phillip.

3.) Wunjo We still haven’t seen everything that leads up to Wunjo yet, but we DO know more than we did initially (wow shocker) and it’s just always a fucking blast. Also, it has the first mention of Ash’s real name … the first Rhy POV (which what the fuck!! I always feel like we had one before but we didn’t!! Wild) and it has crazy blood-soaked murder Tave, my beloved. :///3

2.) Eiwaz You guys have heard me fanboy about Eiwaz so many times already. Eiwaz-OT3 (and Kain) my beloved!!! It’s just SUCH an amazing starting point and there are so, so many things that tie back to it and every time we find out about a new one my heart makes a little jump … und es beginnt von Neuem indeed.

1.) Gebo One of the most painful but also the most beautiful arcs yet in my opinion. It’s been hyped up for so long and boy did it deliver. God, my heart still hurts when I think about that last scene. Also all the dialogue … the golden lines we got … and it’s an arc without Rhy! Crazy!! :-D I just love the relationship between Ash, Astrid and Jakob so much. God fuck I want what they have. Just maybe without the murder suicide,,,

- - - - -

FOOD

5.) Diese Sonntagsbrötchen wo die Verpackung so plopp macht, wenn man die Folie abzieht Better than normale Brötchen for some reason. Most of the time. See 2.) Look man, I just really love a good breakfast …

4.) Chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese topping One of the first things from a certain baking book I tried when I was getting into baking back in 2019. God they are so tasty. I don’t make them often so I don’t get used to them too much and eating them still feels special but ahhhh I love them so much!

3.) Grünkohl mit Kartoffelbrei und Mettendchen One of my favourite things about autumn/winter and one of my biggest comfort foods. God I love this shit so much. I just put … mountains of Grünkohl and Kartoffelbrei on my plate every time and I will just warm it up for four days straight until there’s no more left. It turns me into a fucking caveman. I’m not even big on eating meat but … yeah. Everything is different when there’s Grünkohl.

2.) Normales Brötchen mit Butter und Scheibenkäse aber ich bin beim Frühstücksbuffet im Hotel Oddly specific but that’s just how it is. Sorry. Nichts geht über Brötchen mit Käse.

1.) Chilli-Knoblauch-Nudelauflauf My beloved. My comfort food. I eat it literally every second day. At least one hour in the kitchen every time. Fresh ingredients. My only vegetable intake. And I’ve been doing that for three years. I just love it so much, man. I cook it for everyone who visits me. Chilli-Knoblauch-Auflauf cured my depression.

[thenightling]

Opinion on the rioters who dressed as The Punisher

Opinion on the Rioters dressed as The Punisher:

I recently found out some of the Capitol rioters were dressed as The Punisher from Marvel comics.  Do I blame the character?  No.   However, i have become very cautious in regard to hardcore fans of the character and not merely over this.

First, I admit, I never really liked The Punisher as a character.   I thought of him as an edgy byproduct of comics gradually shifting to being darker and grittier.  He was one of the first heroes to not preach about justice and redemption but instead wanted to kill.  He was not a protagonist.  He started as a villain in the Amazing Spider-Man comics.  Stan Lee had not liked the character. (This is a fact that is easily checked and Googled).

In the late 80s and early 90s he became very popular as comics became darker and so he was given his own comic and appeared more often and often as a protagonist anti-hero.

I never liked the concept of him.  Sure, he had a sympathetic backstory but the “Killing is the only answer” never sat right for me.  The lack of mercy he showed even to the repentant, it always bothered me.  I got that he was supposed to be mentally-ill but in his own comics his behavior was, far too often, justified.

Other media tried to mimic the character.  The Ben Affleck Daredevil behaved more like The Punisher than Daredevil.  Instead of a defense attorney he was now a prosecutor.  And if he lost a case he would hunt down the criminal and kill him, brutally.   There’s one scene where he severs a man’s spine and then gloats as a train comes to hit him, as he lays paralyzed on the track. That’s not Matt.

Ben Affleck again played totally-not-Punisher in his portrayal of Batman.  A gun-using batman that was loosely inspired by Frank Miller.  And all the Zack Snyder Fanboys came crawling out of the woodwork, insisting that this was “realistic” and “more accurate to the comics” and “but look, he killed in these old comics!”   They either were lying by omission or didn’t know about Crisis on Infinite Earths and how main continuity Batman had been anti-gun and anti-killing since at least 1985.  The entire plot of Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke was based on this established lore. 

There’s no doubt Punisher has had a serious influence on popculture and something I called Darkity, dark, dark writing or as others have named it: “Edgelord.” 

It’s a sort of “dark and gritty” “realism” popular among boys between the ages of eleven and fifteen who genuinely think crime would end if we shot every criminal and don’t realize that most real world police officers have never drawn their gun, despite what you might see in the news.  If murder truly was the norm, people wouldn’t still be horrified by it.

Now on to the fans.   There are far too many Punisher fans who think he was and is in the right.  They think he is an aspirational figure to admire and look up to.  A “realistic” hero by Zack Snyder standards, because hope and mercy are what is apparently unrealistic in a world consisting of aliens, Greek Gods, witchcraft, and even the folkloric Sandman (That’s in DC, not Marvel though Nightmare is arguably the Marvel equivalent).

I used to be Facebook friends with a Punisher fan.   He was equally obsessed with The Joker.  At first i just let it be.  You’re allowed to like edgy or dark characters.  There’s no harm in that.  But... he got creepy.   He would quote the Joker in conversation about “SJWs” and “progressives.”   He would say things like “My eyes were opened as yours soon will be.”   

He was convinced liberals tried to ruin The Joker movie and posted pictures of the Joker dancing down the stairs with “HAHAHAHAHA!  Suck my dick, Progressives!” in at least two of the facebook groups I run.  It got embarrassing that when people would search for my Horror Comics group, the sample post Facebook gave was that one.  

He kept talking about how both The Punisher and The Joker are right.  His facebook picture would alternate between the two characters depending on his mood.  He would post memes “explaining” why The Punisher is right.

He would post articles about this or that criminal being arrested and refer to them as “it” and “thing” and how “it should be tortured four hours before someone kills it.”   things like that, about various people who did things that were (admittedly) horrific and reprehensible but he would go into graphic detail about what he wanted to do with them   Very sadistic, Saw-like tortures before “Mercifully” killing them.  

He once casually told me how he wanted to kill all progressives.  I gently reminded him that I have liberal leanings and I got a “You’re different” sort of response.  

As his behavior got more fanatical and disturbing, the more uncomfortable I became.   After the progressives threat I made the mistake of telling someone who was mutually friends with us both that I felt threatened.  Needless to say the one I have just described to you called me a liar, insisted he never said anything threatening.  And accused me of being “one of them.”

I told him he had been acting increasingly strangely and needed to stop posting the pro-Joker stuff.  And it wasn’t just the film The Joker.  It was the version from Gotham (TV series) he tried to emulate and praised.  A woman celebrity he didn’t like was soon being called “It.”  Then some feminist (I didn’t agree with this person) was saying how The Mandalorian didn’t have enough female characters or diversity and should be canceled.  It was some stupid opinion piece published by a site like Buzzfeed or Io9 during the first season of Mandalorian. 

This guy was very conservative but had a bad habit of seeking out fanatical articles like this to make himself angry.  The only time I ever agreed with him on the matter was when he came to my defense for not liking the 2016 Ghostbusters.  Someone in my own Gothic Horror Facebook group had decided to call me a self-loathing misogynist and insisted the only reason I didn’t like it is because the characters were women.   No, I don’t like slapstick comedy.  I didn’t like that they didn’t bother to use real parapsychology or theoretical physics (as the original had done).  I didn’t like that the “genius” of the group licked her proton blaster and that was the common promo image for the film. I didn’t like that people who praised the film entirely forgot that there was a diverse team lead by a woman in the 90s. (Extreme Ghostbusters).   I didn’t like that they destroyed ghosts instead of trapped them.   That violates the law of conservation and most spiritual beliefs as even being possible. It was just a bad movie.

I agreed with him on that one but when this anti-Mandalorian article came out he went too far.  He insisted the woman who wrote it should be dragged out into the street and shot.  He called her “it” and “thing” and said she didn’t deserve to live . I told him he was going too far, and she couldn’t take the show away, that he was over reacting. 

He then blocked me.   I thought it was done and over with, then the Pandemic hit.

When the Pandemic happened he unblocked me and in a revisionist history of events insisted he had blocked me because I had “lied” and said he threatened me.   No, he had told me he wanted to kill all progressives, knowing that I am one.   And that was not why he blocked me.  It was because I disagreed about his death threats about the writer of a Mandalorian article.  He wanted to fight.  He alternated between insulting me and trying to show how good he was to come to me during a world crisis, like he was doing me a favor.  I blocked him this time.

That night my Facebook account was disabled.  Someone had reported my account as not being a real person, and Facebook wanted photographic proof that I’m real.   It was re-enabled as soon as I sent in a photo but as I don’t have a smartphone (I live in a deadzone) and I’m visually impaired it was a little bit of a pain.  This was not something that had ever happened to me before.  And I had witnessed this Punisher fan report accounts of those he wanted to “punish” before.

And now I find out some of these rioters were wearing Punisher shirts.   So yes, I keep my guard up around Punisher fans.

Do I blame the character?  No.  Not really.   If not him they would have found someone else to try to emulate and idolize.  Getting rid of the character won’t get rid of this mentality.   I never liked the character but I don’t want him banned.  I would be happy if less people were obsessed with him.  I would be happy if those obsessed with the character didn’t all remind me of the man I described here.  I would be happy if fans of the character were more likely to say that they don’t agree with the character’s actions, they just like his story.

There’s nothing wrong in liking a character with problematic behavior.  But if you can’t acknowledge that it’s wrong and instead glorify and romanticize the actions of the character, that’s the problem.   I love lots of characters who do bad things.  I love Count Dracula.  I don’t intend to drink blood and sic wolves on people.   And I have absolutely no interest in impalement.   

I think far too many Punisher fans don’t realize he’s in the wrong, instead want to be like him, and have trouble separating fiction from reality.  I do not blame the character.  They would have found someone else if not him.  But unfortunately, I AM starting to view hardcore / obsessively being a fan of The Punisher as a bit of a red flag considering how many of them behave this way...

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[greencherryblossoms]

I loved Killing Stalking

Killing Stalking was my very first Manhwa and I stayed up for hours last Sunday binging it. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t put it down. It was disgusting, disturbing, sad, and yet somehow I was intrigued. I was interested. It was haunting yet oddly beautiful. The art was amazing. The characters were great(yet twisted).

Killing Stalking is something that I don’t usually read. It’s not the type of media I consume. Even with anime I tend to steer clear of things like this..(despite one of my first anime being Elfen Lied). Killing Stalking felt disturbing to me because of how real it felt. There are people just like Sangwoo, even worse than him, walking around in our world and they look like normal people.

You’d never expect a guy like Sangwoo to be a murderer. Never. You wouldn’t look at him and say “Yeah he’s a serial killer.” He’s not the type of guy you imagine when you think of the words “creep” and “serial killer”. On the outside Sangwoo was handsome, calm, collected, charismatic, tall, muscular, kind, and popular. He was like a dream man for many women.

Yet he’s a monster. It shocked me to my core honestly and it grounded the fact that anyone can be a serial killer in my head. I always knew that but I never thought twice because serial killers are supposed to be creepy right? Besides a few exceptions?

Killing Stalking made me feel conflicted, confused, sad, and angry. I wanted to hate Sangwoo. Before I picked up this manhwa I accidentally came across a tumblr post that was about SNK and a picture of Bum showed up with a caption saying “sad Levi”. I read a summary of KS and was like “wtf is this” “that piece of shit should be dead”

But then I read it. It felt like I was put in the place of a victim. I started out being frightened yet intrigued. He seemed perfect from far away and then he became scary. I would fear for Bum when he’d get angry. I hated seeing Bum walk on field filled with mines. As the story went on Sangwoo became “nicer” and I let my guard down and felt relaxed. He was “nice” for quite some time. I almost forgot that he was a monster. He was disgusting yet I couldn’t hate him.

Watching him break down and unravel was frightening yet interesting. To see someone who seemed so strong and impenetrable break was.. sad. Pitiful maybe. He completely lost it by the end.

The story went on all the way until the end.. and I cried when he died. He was a monster. He deserved to die didn’t he? He was a pos! He was disgusting. I sympathized with him because of his fucked up childhood. He didn’t deserve that childhood. What he did wasn’t okay. His childhood does not excuse what he’s done.. I felt disgusting knowing that I had sympathy for a monster but knowing his past.. it isn’t surprising that he’d end up fucked up.

I later went back to read the bonus chapters and baby Sangwoo(and little Bum) broke my heart. Neither of them deserved the future that they went on to live.

I think the ending was the best ending for them. Sangwoo was fucked up beyond help. Their society and our world in general is ill equipped when it comes to mental health issues. Especially ones are deep rooted as Sangwoo’s. There was no help for him. Plus he’s a serial killer. Had he lived he would’ve went to prison and would’ve possibly been murdered.

Bum, while not as bad as Sangwoo, I just couldn’t see him living without Sangwoo. Bum was obsessed with him. His obsession never left and I can’t imagine it leaving. I see people on this site and others who think that Bum could’ve and should’ve ended up with Seungbae. I disagree. Bum should not be in a relationship with anyone! Let’s not forget that he suffers from mental disorders on top of being a creepy perverted stalker. Not only did he stalk Sangwoo but he stalked women before then and stole their bras and whatnot. That’s disgusting.

Bum of course did not deserve what happened to him but he wasn’t innocent. Breaking and entering, stalking, theft, plus whatever disorders he had. Watching his abuse was absolutely appalling.

Also no, they could not have lived happily together. Quite frankly, Sangwoo didn’t deserve a happy ending, he didn’t deserve to be with Bum. He broke Bum’s legs, hung(hanged?) him, drowned him, stabbed him, hit him, punched him, pushed him, etc.. there’s no way in hell their relationship would ever be okay! Plus their problems were too servere for them to even think of being in a relationship even if we ignored the fact that Sangwoo was a serial killer.

Also, Jieun DID NOT deserve to die. I’ve seen a few people say she did and that’s disgusting. Yes she was an asshole to Bum but that didn’t mean that she deserved to be humiliated and murdered. That poor girl. My heart broke when I saw her dead body laying on the bed. When her mother frantic, breaking, and panicking because she didn’t know where her baby girl was. It was sad, knowing that she was already dead yet the mom pressed on and kept searching for her. It made me feel good knowing that the murder of that poor girl led to Sangwoo’s downfall and hit him out of nowhere.

I’m going to close this by saying that I know that not every person was sexually abused or raped ends up as a serial killer.. before someone comments under this and goes on an angry rant like I’ve seen in some KS posts.

[mashtonasfuck]

I was at work when Ash posted this, and came out of work to see the notif and then proceeded to sit in my car sobbing for 20 minutes. This man, and this band are my lifeline. I’ve never told y’all my story about how I found 5 Seconds of Summer, but now seems like a good time. I’ll put it under the cut so it doesn’t clog up your dash.

I found Luke around the 14th of March 2011. I was 14. He’d posted his cover of ‘Fireflies’ by Ron Pope a few days before, and there was just something about it that I couldn’t get out of my head. At the time I didn’t think much of it (this was pre-youtube account) and I kept checking back every now and then to see if he posted anything else. In April of that same year, Mike and Cal uploaded a video introducing them as a three piece under the name of ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ - they did a few more covers, most of the time with only two of them lmao, and I kept checking back to see what they were posting. Ash joined them in December 2011 and they became a four piece.

When they uploaded the video for ‘Teenage Dirtbag’, I knew that I wanted to keep watching their content as there was just something I still couldn’t shake. The energy with the four of them had shifted somehow from just being the three of them, and it kept me interested.

They toured a lil bit of Aus in 2012, and I spent my days on Youtube watching shitty videos of them playing songs they’d written themselves rather than covers. They then revealed that they were releasing an EP later in the year. They dropped ‘Unplugged’ in June 2012 in Aus and NZ and I remember being super sad that I couldn’t buy it in the UK yet. It was released WW in December 2012, and you bet your ass I bought an iTunes voucher so I could buy it (remember iTunes vouchers?? Those were the days, RIP iTunes). They moved to London at the end of that year. I remember seeing a video someone uploaded of them doing an impromptu session playing in a park in London and being so sad that I wasn’t there to see them. They did some small intimate shows in the UK while they were over here, but I never got to go to any of them.

In early 2013 they started touring with 1D, but again I never got to see them. I LIVED for the shitty videos people were posting on Youtube of their performances, and I was desperate to see this band I’d become so obsessed with following.

On the 24th of February 2014, they uploaded the video for ‘She Looks So Perfect’ on Youtube. It was at this point that my friends at school became aware of them and started following them, despite me telling them for years that this band were awesome (teenagers, am I right?). On the 27th of June 2014, they released ‘5 Seconds Of Summer’ out into the world. I was 17 years old.

At 17, I was struggling with A LOT. My grandad was very ill, my friends turned out to not be my friends, and it’s probably one of the loneliest periods I’ve ever had in my life. I’d experienced what I thought was heartbreak, and their self-titled album was everything I needed at that time in my life. I finally saw them on the 5th of June 2015. I got to spend two hours in a room with my four favourite people in the whole world. I have a video of them playing ‘Everything I Didn’t Say’, and all you can hear is me sobbing in the background lmao.

Walking out of that venue, I knew my life would never be the same.

I was pretty active on social media at this point, as were the boys, and seeing the stupid things they got up to on Keek and Twitter genuinely made my days so much brighter.

As we all know, ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’ was released on the 23rd of October 2015. I was 18, my parents had just split up, my grandad had died and I felt like the whole world was out to get me. I fell into a period of intense depression and did some things I’m not proud of, and I honestly didn’t see a way out. Then SGFG came along. That is the album that quite literally saved my life. Listening to the four people I admired most in the whole world singing lyrics about things I was going through, being the same age as me, was totally overwhelming. I don’t remember my first listen through of that album - what I do remember is the way that it changed my whole world view.

They understood exactly how I felt, down to the last detail. To this day I have to leave Broken Home and Invisible off of playlists because they jolt me back to a time in my life that I don’t ever want to experience again. That whole album was my saving grace for a long time. I’m eternally grateful to them for releasing it when they did, as I’m gonna be straight up and say that I might not have been sat here typing this today.

I went to their show for the SLFL tour on the 8th of April 2016. I spent most of that night crying my eyes out and getting weird looks from the people around me, but I didn’t care. This was my band, and they were playing the songs that literally saved me. The SGFG era was emotionally draining for me for a long time, and it took me a while to be able to listen to most of the album again as it just felt so raw.

When they took time off to rejuvenate themselves before album three, I was worried. For the last 6 years this band had been what kept me waking up each morning. The lack of content was freaking me out and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. My mental health was on its way down again and I found myself going back to old patterns.

At this point, I’d been in a relationship for almost three years, was engaged, and was living with my then SO. I thought everything was perfect, I had the life that I wanted with a man that I thought I’d be with forever.

In February 2018 they released ‘Want You Back’, and I loved it, but didn’t have the connection with it like I did with SGFG. I missed out on tickets for the 5SOS III Tour (and may have cried about it, but it’s fine), but bought tickets for the Meet You There Tour before they even released the album. This was my band, of course I was going to see them.

When ‘Youngblood’ dropped, I had a day off from work. I set my stereo system up, and lay on my living room floor with the speakers around me in a circle. I wanted to feel the new album, not just listen to it (weird, I know). Want You Back and Youngblood were fine, but then we hit Lie To Me.

‘I know that you don’t, but if I ask you if you love me, won’t you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me?’

I genuinely felt all of the breath I had in my lungs, vacate. I’m gonna be straight and say that I hadn’t been happy in my relationship for a while despite what I said above - my partner was emotionally abusive, and the warning signs were clear, I just didn’t want to see them. That one line haunted me every time Luke sang it, but I let it play through and moved through the rest of the album. When it finished, I let it play through again. I let those lyrics flow through me, and by the time it got round to Lie To Me again, I was sobbing. Once again, these boys knew exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time in my life that I needed to hear it. It took me seeing them again in November of last year to make a change in my life.

If you’ve been around for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve shared my Meet You There Tour story before, but if you haven’t read it, you can find it here. I stood at the back of the O2 Academy in Birmingham, a year ago tomorrow (1st of Nov) and cried. Listening to my boys sing those songs in person absolutely broke me, and made me realise that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I left that show heartbroken, and overwhelmed, and honestly exhausted, but I drove back home and spent the next two months trying to fix the relationship I was so unhappy in.

I thought I’d made progress, but after Christmas of last year, everything fell back into old patterns and enough was enough. Watching my ex-partner walk out of the front door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’d taken the plunge, but I was broken. I moved back in with my mum in January of this year, which has been incredibly stressful (that’s another story lmao), but the one thing that has kept me going is these four boys.

Ashton is always the one that I feel the most connected with - I don’t know if it’s because he’s the oldest and people usually think I’m a lot older than I am, but his life philosophy and his attitude towards the things which make him a better person, inspire me every day. Whenever I’m having a shitty day, he always seems to put out a Tweet which says exactly what I need to hear. His love for us keeps me going every day, and I strive to be even half the person that he is. He does so much for us, and I thank God every single day he biked halfway across Sydney to attend that first band practice as a four-piece.

Their music makes me feel a lot less lonely, in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest to me. Because of them, I’ve met some of the coolest people on the planet through this godforsaken website, and the existence of these people in my life makes me excited to wake up each day.

This Tweet from Ash tonight reminded me exactly why I stayed with this band way back in 2011. Their passion for their art inspires me every single day and I am constantly in awe of the way they continue to push themselves and their performance.

I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. ‘Youngblood’ has helped me reinvent myself into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve only realised that because of four dorks from Sydney that told me it’s okay to be whoever you want to be.

I will forever be grateful for their music, their passion, and their presence on this Earth. I’ve never stuck with any artist as long as I’ve stuck with this band, and I would not change that for the world.

Thank you 5SOS, for always being there for me, even if no one else was. I love you guys.